Tag: modpost

Line In The Sand

Posted on by Nolan Slover (Note Worthy)

I may end up deleting this as it’s late and right now I’m being probably more emotional than is beneficial for me to type up something like this, but it really is something I need to say rather than be kept pent up inside.

I still haven’t had, at least in my opinion and to the best of my knowledge, a strong and consistent friendship in my life.

What do I mean by “strong and consistent”?  Well, one that I can tangibly say grows in depth.  We talk relatively frequently (at least once a week, even if it’s just for a few minutes), learn about each other, and if logistically feasible, see one another once a month or once a quarter (three-month period).

And I will be the first to say that 95% of the failing on part in fulfilling those requirements lies with myself.  I’m hesitant to start conversations, the whole “Oh, they’ll talk to me first” line having now worn thin from its previously very flimsy state, using work or “I don’t have anything to talk about” as go-to internal excuses why I don’t reach out.  When I see a group of people together already doing something, I am quick to steer clear and give them their room and not interfere with anything they might be up to, even if the scenario implies no such exclusiveness.  This is partially due to some social faux paus that I committed less than a year ago with aforementioned friends.

In over a week’s time, I’m going to be leaving from work and driving a fair distance to spend the weekend with said friends to celebrate one of their birthdays.  And tonight I found myself sitting and wondering about the depth of our friendship.  Not questioning the friendship itself, but its depth.

I discovered that… it really wasn’t very deep.  The friend I’m speaking of is a good guy; we attended BronyCon last year together and had a decent amount of fun.  After that, though… we drifted apart again.  I… don’t really know why.  It just sort of happened.  We both got back to our day-to-day.  We had incremental contact but it wasn’t very long, usually.   We would try and do the things we had done in days past; once I got a new job with different hours, it limited the amount of time I could spend talking to this person and interacting with them.  Contact became intermittent; we’ve been chatting more in the last couple of days, which was encouraging.

I could sit here and point fingers. be upset with the person.  But I find those fingers coming back to me partially;  once communication broke down, we stopped really talking about what the other was doing and from there becoming unable to coordinate activities–and when you’re not doing something with somebody that you don’t talk to that often, it’s very easy to forget and focus on the people you are spending more time with.

I can’t really undo the time spent.  That’s the past, it’s over and there’s only one thing I can do about it: make a different future.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, I could cry and sit here and wallow in self-pity about a variety of things, but it’ll only continue to leave me isolated and on the outside looking in at people working or playing together and wondering when it was going to be my turn to be asked to join the fun.

Going into the future, I really want to start developing more deep friendships.  It’s great to have casual friends that you get together with once in a while and don’t know as well as others, but I feel for a person to be complete they really need a deep friendship in their lives.

Anyway, it’s late and I have work in the morning.

So, What Precisely Is It Supposed To Mean?

Posted on by Nolan Slover (Note Worthy)

Time for some context to that relatively vague title for this entry tonight:  one of my friends on Facebook posted about their New Year’s goals.  And I have to admit, I like that.  They aren’t half-hearted resolutions that can easily fall to the side and be forgotten about in the matter of a few months, as resolutions are apt to do.  And their goals are pretty good: they’re specific, ambitious and completely accomplishable.  What really caught my eye was the second part of this individual’s message.

Now… I’ll get this out right now; I am, despite my desire to be a straight arrow when it comes to taking the opinions and perspectives of another, sometimes a person of two minds.  When it’s something I want to hear or something that you confirm by talking about it, I’m enthusiastic about what you have to say and take steps to make the process actually come to fruition.  The other times, when it’s an area of weakness, I don’t take it well.  I get defensive, act like there’s not a problem, and politely agree with you until you stop talking–upon which I do the best I can to forget anything you said about the topic and soothe my bruised ego.

So, when I read this person’s statement, my initial response was to roll my eyes and say “Yeah, but you haven’t lived my life, so…” and then a myriad of excuses–usually incredibly flimsy ones–to dismiss their argument and go back to what I was doing.

But then I examined my life.  And I really haven’t been that happy with it as of late.  My life largely reflects around my work routine, at which I feel the most alive–even when gritting my teeth as I drive through intersections with the realization that I need to turn around and go 15 miles in the other direction to the next stop when I’m running up against the clock.  I’ve been given the chance to help load and unload the cargo containers we load shipments in.  It’s physically and mentally demanding work that gets me sweating and pumped up about doing what I do.  If things work out (I really hope they do), that might become part of my job’s routine. #MoMoney XD

Anyway, the last of this person’s goals was “put myself out there more.”  And… I have to admit, as an extroverted introvert, that statement is challenging for me to deal with.  Let me explain why, and it’s something I recalled recently from when I was in grade school.

For those of you reading this who don’t know me, I was diagnosed with Asperberger’s Spectrum ADHD when I was 6.  And back then, the drug of choice was Ritalin, of which I was on for most of my early life.  I was placed in special education classes since kindergarten and really didn’t have the first idea as to how to make friends because I was one of the “special” kids. And, I guess I tried to fit in, but… it was a long time ago, and remembering what happened to you when you were in 1st grade when you’re my age is no easy task.  

Years went by until this incident occurred.  What happened was that I was out on my bicycle–a good old one-speed bike that was black with this weird orange colored paint on it–the name escapes me–and got around some other kids my age group and wanted to go bike riding with them and go to the one person’s house.

I was thrilled: someone wanted for me to be their friend!  I was going to be accepted and really start growing as a person.  So, we start riding.  And they start going faster.  It’s not very long before I lose sight of them.  Nobody stopped and waited for me, and nobody came back to see if I was still on my way.  I ended up on the fringe of Minnetonka–which when you’re 9 is a long way from home, exhausted and stopped at a stranger’s house for a glass of water before I headed back to my house.

I was crushed.  I felt like I wasn’t important and that I was always going to be left behind, always the special kid who everybody gets a good laugh out of and excludes from events and parties and stuff.  And… I think right then and there I gave up on trying to make friends.  I was always gonna be weird, the round hole for the square peg.  The friends I did have were ones that had learning, emotional or physical disabilities.  Me?  I just learned a little differently.

Fast forward to today.  I’m skipping a lot of details, but I want to inform you, not bore you to death with every detail of my life for the last 15 odd years or so.  I’ve had my fair share of friendships, and I still do… but, as of late, they’ve… been starting to wither a bit.  Part my fault, part theirs.  I’ve flat out cut two people out of my life; one, it was after I got tired of them having selective responding skills which seemed to me an excuse after so long; the other, simply because their inability to accept reality had reached a point–and I also realized that I wasn’t really a friend to this person–the friendship wasn’t reciprocal.

I’ve said on occasions prior to this post that I’m… relatively approachable.  Granted, my schedule wreaks havoc on my social life during the week and that’s a small price to pay for my continued employment, and I do Tweet when I can.

Speaking of Twitter, I just looked at my follower count–and, granted it’s just a number and isn’t reflective of activity/interaction from my followers–and it’s a pretty healthy number.  True, nothing to write home about and certainly nothing on which to rest my laurels or make a comparison to anybody else–let’s not even start that game, but it is something.

I have noted before I am… sort of socially awkward.  I–unintentionally–come across as a potential know-it-all/know-too-much individual at times, don’t always know how to read people, or am burdened by a vocabulary that isn’t the most conversationally compatible of all. It’s why I made the comparison between myself and Moondancer last week in a post.

Okay, don’t run out of steam near the close 🙂

I can’t really say it’s true.  I may share some of Moondancer’s traits, but I’m certainly not a mirror image of her by far.  Not am I truly Starlight Glimmer or any stereotype of pony that I’ve been exposed to.  The one thing that Moondancer and I have in common though is that we both suffered a substantial emotional wound when we were younger by those who probably intended no malice.

Unfortunately for me, I can’t find those kids that did that from over 30 years ago… hell, I don’t even remember their names… and the catharsis that we see Moondancer go through in Amending Fences is something I’ve never quite felt in full.  At a time or two in the last year or so, maybe.  I recall myself bawling like a baby when I was listening to BlackGryph0n’s song Tell Me on repeat once I heard a certain line in the chorus

Getting back to what my friend said, yes… I believe it’s important to not live in the shadows because you can’t really live life there.  However, I guess what I’m trying to explain to people is my fear.  It’s truly the one thing I am afraid of.  What’s that?

That I’ll be rejected and individuals I meet won’t want me.  Is the fear irrational?  Not really.  Do I let it grow out of proportion far more often than it should?  Yeah.

Right now, I’m going to try and be… different.  I still have emotional hurts–from my childhood, from my marriage, from time spent living in my in-laws (I really don’t recommend it unless you have a good relationship and there are boundary lines) that I have kept to myself out of respect for others as to not burden them.  They’re supposed to be my friends, not an emotional dumping ground where I pour out all the ick and filth and bile and walk away clean and then leave them with a mess to deal with.  That’s neither fair nor incredibly appropriate.

Still, I’ve got to try something.  If it’s being honest with someone I trust and not being afraid and socially awkward, so be it!  The only person I’m hurting in the process by doing that is myself.

It’s time I stopped doing that.

A Brief History of (My) Time

Posted on by Nolan Slover (Note Worthy)

Hmm… interesting topic to come off the top of my head.  It’s also a good point of wondering where to start.  I do want to keep this readable, so a play-by-play synopsis of my entire last year isn’t feasible.  I’ll start back in… May of this year.

I was following up with Cocho to ask some questions about our friend Sam’s upcoming birthday after she had signed on to be one of our staff artists for MLP-MSP 3.  We ended up going to Ichiban for her birthday dinner (which has since sadly closed ;__;) and I recall bringing her a tray of strawberries from the Minneapolis Farmer’s Market.

I wrote about the convention on my Twitter, at least I think I did… June was a long time ago (even though it was only 6 months ago)… needless to say, things went awry and not entirely according to plan.  The important thing was that the attendees had fun, which is what matters.

Before I carry on with convention life, May when probably when I had finally had enough of working for my former employer.  My car had just passed 150K miles, 85% of that simply driving for them, and the list of repairs had extended into the thousands of dollars.  I started searching in earnest after I decided to drop my afternoon route–one that essentially had become whiplash with my 6:30 AM start–and working 10 hour days… or had it changed, I… I don’t even remember anymore.  It took three more months to get out of there and into my current place of work, and I’ll tell you one thing right now: I do not miss getting up at 4:45 AM every weekday.

Back to convention times: I finally went to BronyCon!  My friend Mike and I flew out to Baltimore and had a fantastic weekend at the largest MLP convention in the United States.  Some of my behavior over the weekend was… not the best reflection of who I’ve become, although I think I still struggle with certain aspects of friendship and communication–especially in the last two weeks where I’ve been rather “distant” from those I call a friend.  To sum up the experience…?  Both overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time.  I said a couple of times that I probably won’t go back there.  Right now I’m waiting to see how 2017 works out with their new management team after the chairs stepped down.  Might go in 2018, not sure yet.

Got back from BronyCon and redoubled my job search efforts.  Couple of interviews that went nowhere; one of which was at the airport for a rental car company, another was for a local home grocery delivery company.  In retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t get either of them because the hours at the second job would have been murder and the first job just wasn’t in line with my previous experience.  In September, I got hired at my new employer.

I cannot tell you how happy I was to put in my one week’s notice for my former employer.

But, I digress!  Back to life story time.

Working for my new employer has done me worlds of good.  I think I’m starting to lose weight and am in a place where there is a good rapport and respect for everyone and the hard work they do.  The one downside was that I had made convention commitments.

Gets better!

They were one week after the next.  First on my docket was Nightmare Nights Dallas, where I was gone from Thursday to Monday.  I then worked two days and left town again, heading to Milwaukee for Ponyville Ciderfest.  One convention I had a great time at.  The next one… I was a miserable salty jerk for the weekend.

I was ashamed of myself and how I acted.  Was it justified?  Part of it was.  The frustration of not being able to fulfill all of our attendees’ needs is something I take personally; I like being able to step up to the plate and do everything that is within my power to fulfill a guest’s need.  How I handled the situation that led to that was… uninspired.  I got mad.  I was angry at people and not the process.  And due to the importance of that specific aspect of the department I was staffing in… I took it personally.  It stopped being a failure of communication; it was a failure of me.

Now, you’re saying “But, Note Worthy… you didn’t make the process fail, did you?”  Well, of course, I didn’t; had I known about it I would have interceded and gotten things on track.  Why it felt like a failure of me was that this is something I had not done properly at MLP-MSP 3, and this convention was a chance at redemption.  And I blew it–even though I had no immediate hand in making the whole thing work, I still wasn’t able to deliver something that I had promised to myself that I would do.

All this time I’ve slowly widened my horizons as I was walking headlong into Cocho’s web of murder and animatronic death  voice posts and drawing of the FNAF crowd.  I’m pretty sure she killed me in an ask that I tossed her way for Halloween.

So, here we are.  Six months later, a rambled conjunction of various stories because I was tired while I typed this out, and that’s the quick story of my life from June to now!

Now I just need to find a picture of the canon Noteworthy and post him next to my OC and do a comparison on how we aren’t the same.

And bed.

Not necessarily in that order.

Upcoming Blog Changes

Posted on by Nolan Slover (Note Worthy)

Hey, all!  First, sorry I’ve been a little bit on the quiet side; this was an unusual weekend with our heat being out for almost all of Saturday and setting our tree up–I’ve also just been a little tired from last week’s antics at work.  Just wanted to bring you up to speed about some things I’m planning on doing in the coming months as we segue into 2017.

This blog will remain mostly the same: reblogging of cool art, commentary, the occasional text post and videos.  It’ll also be where I tweet about conventions I’ll be going to and where you can find me there.

My other blog, Noteworthy’s Scratch Pad, is going to get an overhaul as well as a fresh coat of paint (the current theme on there is icky), and will be themed more toward Voice Work and FNAF stuffs that I eventually hope to collab with as soon as I’ve got a couple of things done on my own.  That process will involve writing, playing the games (GOD NO WHY), and getting my skills in Audacity honed.

I’m looking forward to the reboot of the other blog and producing content 🙂  Hope you’ll be along for the ride.

Thanksgiving

Posted on by Nolan Slover (Note Worthy)

This year…

I don’t know.  This year’s Thanksgiving right now doesn’t feel “normal” for lack of a better word.  Mind you, it’s still two days away, but…

The pang of nostalgia compared to what I know is going to be the reality is disheartening.  Gone are the days of going across the river to Grandpa’s and Gramma’s and playing football in the backyard before the meal and genuinely being thankful.  No more will I be able to take off my shoes in the vestibule of that house, head downstairs and see my cousins, go into the kitchen where my Grandma was putting the finishing touches on the meal, sneak into the adults-only part of the house and watch football on the television in the den.

In the wake of the election and the general way my extended family has gone, we’re a fractured and separated mess.

There’s no fix in sight, either.  Not for a good long time–perhaps in the remainder of my life on Earth.

And that’s sad.

When I was young and innocent family was all I ever pined for, that closeness and unity that you have when you’re a unit and a group united by a strong pillar.

I love my family; don’t mistake that for a second.

I miss what was.  The brief respites in memory that I can fathom up help to alleviate it but never fully replace some of the best times in my life.

I have a birthday card that I’m going to try and draw for a friend before their actual birthday… this year I’m hoping that it won’t be the hot mess that I tried last year!  I for certain have Thursday off but am likely working in some fashion on Friday.  Mo’ money, yeah?

What about you, followers?  Are you finding this year’s Thanksgiving celebration a bit more daunting than last years?

Sooooo, Just A Heads Up…

Posted on by Nolan Slover (Note Worthy)

I love Starlight Glimmer.

Let me rephrase that.

I LOVE GlimGlam.

Like, I don’t really know why I have such an affinity for the character.  It could be the voice actress, Kelly Sheridan, but… I don’t think so.  I’m not to the point where I’m going to get a plushie of her commissioned and then marry the thing (someone I used to know did that and it’s just… WEIRD to even think about that), but I just really can’t get enough of the wayward socially inept unicorn mare.

Maybe it’s because she reminds me so much of me; stumbling through friendships and only having one good friend that I hang out with when I get the chance.

ANYWAY, if ever you meet me at a convention (I do go to a fair number of them), I’m avidly interested in any GlimGlam stuff you might have.

I’m still looking for a good GlimGlam case for my phone; all of the ones I’ve seen on RedBubble come close but just ain’t what I’m looking for.

Hoping someone draws something that will meet my insanely high standards.

… Notes and Glim would make a good couple.

TIME TO SHIP!!!

https://imgur.com/Z21jWhp