For much of the last six and a half years since My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic has been on the air, my personal reflection of myself has slowly changed from this individual that was lost and generally directionless in a life that handed me a rough deal that I didn’t know how to cope with properly into something that I would say I’m mostly content with and heading towards a relatively satisfied life. Granted, I’m never fully satisfied–there are things on a daily basis I’m working on improving and dealing with some of these deficiencies. However, as with all things… there are days where I fall short and end up snared by those places in life where I’m not as strong or as confident as I would like. Yesterday was such a day.
A little bit of backstory is necessary, but I’ll try to keep it brief as I want this to be a blog post, not a dissertation about the formative years of my life. As you know from reading some of my entries from last year, I was diagnosed when I was six or seven with an autism-spectrum learning disorder specifically, ADD/ADHD. This made me one of the–and I hate to say this because it’s so inaccurate and stigmatizing–special kids that needed special attention and teaching… which to us meant we were treated more often than not like we were dumb and that there was something significantly wrong with us rather than children that just needed some compassion and genuine help. This is not a reflection of all special education programs as I have only had exposure to the one; I’m just telling you how I remember it for context.
Continued exposure to an environment where the focus was more about what we were doing wrong compared to what was right about us led to some unforeseen circumstances. Firstly, we were always subject to teasing and ridicule from the mainstream students who didn’t have “problems” like we did. Not everyone picked on us, but there was enough that you remember it. Second, any shred of personal self-confidence was left tattered on the shores and rocks by well-meaning people who probably didn’t know how condescending they were being. From a combination of this and other mitigating factors, I didn’t have a lot of friends in school and really can’t recount at the moment any real friendships that I had with anybody, which is unfortunate. High school is hard enough–it’s even more challenging when you’re going through it “alone”.
Once I grew up and got a little older, I began to overcome those frustrations from schooling and started to make some friends. Some friendships have lasted a bit longer than others, some have become lost to time and interest level–it’s part of the transitional nature of life. And I’m pleased to say that I think I’ve done a good job getting to know people, letting them know who I am, and finding common interests and developing, at least in my mind, a friendship.
However…
Sometimes I react a bit strongly to things I should not worry so much about. And I have to stop using my marriage and relationships I’ve had as a fallback why things won’t work; I can’t play the victim card anymore. It’s time to grow up and take things head on. That being said, I have been plagued with concerns about being good enough for my friends or the people that are in my life, and that if I fail to meet up to a certain standard, my friends will stop being my friends and walk away, leaving me alone. And if there’s one thing I can’t stand in my life, it’s being alone. However, this can also have a negative drawback of trying to do stuff with them constantly, almost as if I was still trying to earn their approval.
I was dealing with a myriad of feelings yesterday, including abject jealousy, worrying that my friends were becoming bored with me and also trying to spend way too much time with them so they would still like me. Couple that with a gnarly day at work, and by the end of the night I was frustrated and exhausted.
The jealousy is truly petty–yes, it would be nice to have what other people have, but that implies that what I currently have I don’t want which isn’t true. What I have right now I wish was just a bit more if anything. Part of my new group of friends (two are acquaintances that I’m trying to get to know better) is currently on vacation in another part of the world, where one of them is working on writing another book and needs time to focus on that task. Being an off and on writer myself, I appreciate the necessity to focus on your work and get that done, especially if it’s part of your livelihood. I appreciate the time that I get to spend with them but understand that they’re trying to relax while they are where they are.
Back in March and April, Elevation Church had a series called Seven-Mile Miracle, teaching about the last seven words of Jesus on the cross before His death and eventual resurrection three days later. One takeaway from one of those teachings was about being needy and then hearing Pastor Steven Furtick say that God has said we’re too blessed to be needy.
I think what happened over the last two days with my friends was that I was being needy from them, wanting for them to fill a gap in my soul that was exposed. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Friends can be amazingly helpful in life, making it worth living.
However, they can’t be my constant source. It is unfair to both them and myself to ask that they validate and refresh me on a daily basis. They have their own needs that need to be met, and you can’t satisfy your own needs if you’re constantly busy helping others meet theirs.
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