Oh great, one of these posts again. But I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t important.
I honestly did not know how to go about this, outside of my blunt updates on twitter. But, here goes.
As my previous posts recalled, my father was put into a nursing facility in the later part of 2016, for multiple reasons. He was a fall risk, he could not walk on his own accord, and generally could not be trusted alone to do the actions he needed to do. This nursing home was garbage, and did not help my dad in the slightest. And, in the first week of January, I found out he was going to be put into hospice care, and after my moms fighting with the nursing facility, home hospice care. Lets fast forward.
On Saturday, I found out my dad got put into the hospital in a critical condition, due to him refusing to wear his CPAP. Now CPAP stands for
Continuous Positive Airway Pressure, which provides a steady stream of air to the recipient through the form of a mask. Now, some people wear these for mild purposes, like to neutralize snoring and habits like that. My father, however, has a myriad of breathing problems, including emphysema. So, he needs this machine to put enough oxygen into his system to function. For his brain and heart to actually be in working condition. But my father has gotten to a point where he refuses to wear this mask, too stubborn, even though it is literally his life line. After being admitted, and returned home, I was given news that…I wish that I could erase from my mind. My father was put under DNR. Do Not Resuscitate, which basically means, if he stops breathing, if he shuts down…he’s gone.
My fathers health has declined rapidly the last few months, as I learned. He doesn’t have the strength to dress himself, to even get up to relieve himself. He mumbles and fights at things that aren’t even there, or at the people he cares about. I thought, we thought, he could make it til the end of 2017…that doesn’t seem like a possibility anymore. I want to hope, I do, but with him in this state, is it good to hope for an elongation of the pain he is going through, to keep me from feeling an inevitable pain that I will have to face at some point?
I talked to him on Super Bowl Sunday. My mother and him were having a little “party”. My dad loves the Super Bowl. He said to me “I can’t wait to see you.” That. That was the first time he expressed excitement in my planned visit in April. Most of the time, he got annoyed I pushed it back from the first date in March. He says it every time I talk to him now. I don’t know if he knows or not how finite time is.
To put it…these next few days, or weeks, hell, maybe month or two…they will not be easy for me. They will be filled with paranoia and fear, simultaneously waiting and dreading that phone call. The days recently have felt slower, I feel each minute passing by. I’m trying the best I can to keep a smile on my face and a happy tone in my voice. That’s what my dad would want, to be strong in the face of something that would break you. It’s hard. It’s really fucking hard. But hey, I’ve been strong before in hard times, right?
Please, I ask this. Even if you are not religious or anything…pray for my dad. Pray for peace and comfort for him. Send him love and care. I know praying sounds cheesy, but it’s the symbol I know of showing someone is in your thoughts. I know he, nor my mom are perfect, but please, push aside those opinions right now, and view them as two people who are hurting.
Thank you all, much love.
Chrissy.
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